Seven things you won’t read about here*

See, here’s the thing. I don’t know what to write about. It’s been more than a week since I had the time or the inclination to sit down and write. But now that everyone in the family is well again, it’s time to pick up the pen, so to speak.

Problem is, so much has happened, I don’t really know where to begin.

Now, if you were my favorite college professor, you’d solve my problem by asking me a question: How does one eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

It was his way, of course, of telling me just to sit down and start. Which is exactly what I should do. Except that every time I try, I stall. Because I just can’t.

And so.

Over the past two days, I have started several blog posts. Each of them went nowhere, as in, even after several sentences, they don’t say a damn thing and don’t look like they’re ever going to.

I’ve thought about starting several more blog posts. Then I thought better of it. Among the things I won’t be writing about:

1. How I am apparently incapable of quitting either Diet Coke or the news.

2. How I am, for the second time in my life, addicted to the original Super Mario Bros. game. (This time, however, I’m in love with the man I am married to.)

3. Octomom. Though this story gets curiouser and curiouser with each passing day — dude WANTS to take a paternity test? — all I can think about is those poor kids. All 14 of them. Jesus, Mary and Joseph...

4. “Slumdog Millionaire.” Haven’t seen it. Probably won’t. Save your breath. I know I should. I should also see about 4 million other movies that have come out since “March of the Penguins” did in 2005. I have a 3-year-old, you see. We can’t go to the movies. Wait, what’s that you say? Oh yes, I know about NetFlix. Yes, I know it would allow us to watch these 4 million movies from the comfort of our own couch. We tried. Finally after seven months, we watched “The Cider House Rules” and gave it back to the nice people at NetFlix. Then we canceled our membership because we didn’t want to be accused of holding any more Oscar winners captive.

5. Sarah and the whales. First she shoots wolves from a helicopter. Then she sues the feds over protection of the polar bear. Now she plans to sue over protection of a group of genetically different, and therefore important, beluga whales. In case you're still wondering Sarah Palin has an ounce of shame, this should clinch it.

6. Anyone's Oscar dress. I’m no good at reviewing fashions anyway. I usually love what everyone hates (see Miley Cyrus). And vice versa (see Reese Witherspoon). The only thing I think about this year's Oscar dresses is how I wish I could fit into just one of them (see also Jennifer Aniston). And if I had to pick just one (and definitely see Marisa Tomei and Tina Fey), I couldn't. So see, it makes no sense to write about Oscar fashions when I clearly have no feeling one way or the other.

7. Anyone's Oscar speech. Because, really, what can anyone do to improve upon Dustin Lance Black’s? There are many people, including even some who read this blog, who will recoil at his words. In my view, they're the ones who could most benefit from listening to them. Love they neighbor. And do unto others. Amen.

So, as you can see dear reader, I’m stuck. Fresh out of words. Nothing to say.

Maybe tomorrow.

* with snaps to JDW, who thought the whole thing up.